HARD

I sat at the intersection in front of the school, with the 8:33 a.m. sun glaring in my window, head throbbing, tears streaming, trying to think which way to turn. Why can’t I think which way to turn? I need to get Zachary.  Why is this so hard?

I suddenly remembered sitting in the floor of my van, in a Wal-Mart parking lot, nursing Zachary.  Josiah was needing to go potty, Nolan was wanting to be unstrapped, my head was head throbbing, and I was dreading having to go into the monstrosity of a superstore with all three boys, ages 3 and under, and purchase a week’s worth of groceries. That was a hard day.

But not as hard as this day.  Today, I dropped an uneasy 6-year-old Josiah off at his kindergarten classroom.

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Are you dying with me right now about how uneasy he looks?

He didn’t want to go.  He said all morning long that he wasn’t going to go and I made him anyway.  I calmly and simply told him that it would be exciting, and he would enjoy his friends, and he would get to learn to read and how if he did that, he could do anything in the whole wide world that he wanted.  I smiled all morning long and fixed him his favorite breakfast and talked up school like it was as awesome as the Lego shirt he was wearing.

I’m now going to confess to you that my telling Josiah I liked his Lego shirt was a bold-faced lie.  I’ve already confessed to Jesus.  And you should read this next line as dramatically as you possibly can.

I let my children pick out their school clothes this year.

I’m embarrassed to tell you the strength that it took for me to do that.  I like to choose my kids’ clothes.  So, I make school shopping a big deal.  I take each child individually and we make a day of it.  But finally, last year, they really got tired of my making them wear sweater vests.

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How cute are they?

In an effort to make morning easier, this year I told them they were going to get to pick out their own clothes. By the second clothing item I tried to persuade them otherwise.  I almost had convinced Nolan to get the shoes I liked, but Michael’s wise little voice kept popping in my head saying, ‘Let the boy pick out his shoes’.  I argued with the voice, ‘they have gold on them, Michael.  Gold!’  

Ultimately, I let him choose.  My friend (and now the mother of teenagers), Mendy, once allowed her 5 year-old-daughter to get one of those dog collar necklaces with spikes, and she turned out just fine.  I’m holding onto that.

Nolan has jumped out of bed to get dressed every day, thrilled about wearing his new clothes.  But Josiah’s shirt could have been laced with suckers and he wouldn’t have been ready to go to school today.  Which is why I couldn’t process how I felt about it until the intersection in front of the school.

After I figured out which way to go, I turned to head down the road and I could not. stop. the. crying.  Why can’t I stop this?  This is ridiculous.  He will be fine.  It’s kindergarten.  This is classic Josiah.  He says he doesn’t want to do something unfamiliar, and then loves it so much he doesn’t want to leave. Camp, preschool, Vacation Bible School – same story every time.

I was grateful when the phone rang, jolting me out of memory lane.  After a needed conversation with Mendy (whose 15 year-old-daughter looked adorable for school today), I had composed myself.  When I got to Michael’s workplace to pick up Zachary (who was relishing in the fact that he got to ‘help’ daddy at work), his co-worker looked at me with a knowing voice and said, “how’s mama doing this morning?”

And I flat out lost it again.

And that big burly mechanic, with tears in his eyes said, “I’m right there with you.  My baby drove herself to school today.”

And I thought how much harder his day was than mine.  I scooped up Zachary and buckled him in his seat (even though he can do it by himself) and took him to that same stupid Wal-Mart and got groceries.  Which is why when the 9-month-old baby in the buggy in the checkout line smiled at me, I cried again.  His poor mother stood decidedly between us after that, since I had turned into a weepy mess and was unable to explain myself.

Zachary unloaded all the groceries for me, and when we got home, he packed his bag for preschool.  He looked at me with that sweet precious little 4-year-old smile and said, “I go to school next.  Right, mom?”

And I looked at him with all the seriousness and determination I could muster and said,

“Over my dead body.” 

This is so much harder than getting up every two hours to feed them in the night.  This is so much harder than potty training.  This is so much harder than grocery shopping by myself with three boys, ages 3 and under.  This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.  But it is not as hard as it will be when they drive themselves to school.  Or make a choice that I know they will later regret.  Or stray.

Motherhood is stretching my ability to trust in God to the absolute limits.  And it is so bloody hard.  The harder it gets, the more I learn to trust Him.  Appropriately, school’s in session, because I learned a whole stinking lot today.

**UPDATE**:

Coats Quotes:
Me: Josiah, tell me about your day.
Josiah: It was the opposite.
Me: What do you mean?
Josiah: Remember how I said I hated that place and I never wanted to go back?
Me: Yes.
Josiah: It was the opposite of that.

#cryingagain

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3 responses to “HARD

  1. Loved this, well I love everything you write, but this is similar to my last Wednesday. I took Neva to first grade, kindergarten was easy because it was at the church. Chris was in the same building all day, and I knew half the kids there. This year it’s Canton City School, ugh!!! I cried the whole way to the school, all the way home, then opened my car door but physically couldn’t get out I wept for 20 min, I mean wept! Then I closed my door and proceeded to drive back over to the school to pick her up, I’ll just home school her I told myself. As I pulled up to the school I was crying even harder, so hard I think the woman who passed by on the sidewalk thought I was having a seizure, or maybe schizophrenic. I finally stopped crying enough to call Chris, but of course Wednesdays are his meeting day, so no answer. Finally I reasoned with myself that if I could just get a visitors pass and peek in at her that would be enough. I needed to know that she wasn’t crouched in the corner crying because some boy said something mean to her. Well finally I was able to drive away, not actually ever getting out of the car, and drive home. When I picked her up, she ran to me and said “mommy it was the best day ever, can’t wait to come back tomorrow.” Of course I started crying again, the teacher asked if I was ok, and I said I was so sorry for crying and yes I would be fine. Yes, it is harder than those moments when they were little, and it will only get harder, but for now she’s only 6 and I’m going to hold on to that. Thanks again for sharing, and being so transparent. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in being a crazy in love with her kids mom 🙂

  2. This brought back a range of emotions. I remember the first day of kindergarten and crying all the way to work. It was a very emotional day for me. I also remember the day she drove herself to school. Yet another emotional day for me. This year….she drove herself to college for the first time. I know what you are feeling. I know what that big burly mechanic is feeling. It does get somewhat easier but you will always be emotional.
    You are doing an awesome job!

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