FEAR

“Nolan, as soon as you eat something and get some fluids in you, you’ll feel like a new man.”

“I don’t want to be a new man. I like me.”

Today I took Nolan to the doctor.  I thought he had appendicitis.  He was constipated.

Two years ago, I took him to the doctor because I thought he had leukemia. He was constipated.

I struggle with anxiety.

This summer I hiked with my family to the very top of the beautiful Chimney Rock, and had to get down immediately.  My whole family was up there, literally skipping about and leaning over the edge to get the best view.  All I could think of was the structure…how did we know that this whole mountain side wasn’t depending on one small rock, which could easily be dislodged by a disgruntled woodpecker?  How do we know?

I think bridges will collapse when I go over them.   I think all spiders are poisonous and out to get me.  When Josiah was 2 days old, Nolan sat on him and I thought he gave Josiah brain damage.  I’m fearful when Michael leaves for work, he won’t make it home.

I’ve never been bitten by a spider or on a bridge or a mountain that collapsed.  Josiah is fine, so are Nolan and Zachary.  Michael is home safe, yet again.

Mostly, my fear is unfounded.

But I am not guaranteed tomorrow.  Neither is anyone in my family.  I have seen death.  I have heard the cries of a mother grieving a child.  I know it happens…happens every day.  It could happen.  Could.

Transforming my mind to trust the One who holds the future has been hard for me.  I was so anxious when Nolan was born, my mother had to almost shake me out of it.  Had she been closer than 500 miles, I think she would have.  She finally challenged me after the 367th paranoid phone call.

“What if….mom?”

“What if, Christi Anna?  If the very worst thing happens, you will go through it.  It will be awful.  More than we can imagine or bear to think about.  But we will go through it.  But we cannot spend our energy thinking about what might happen. Why worry about tomorrow…”

Man…God gave me the best when he passed out moms.  I play that tape over and over and over in my head.  Every time Michael is running 5 minutes behind and forgot his phone.   Every time a child runs a fever.  Every time I cannot see the future.  All the time. 

I’m better than I was.  I’ll get better with time.  With wisdom.  In the meantime…I’m learning to cast my cares upon Him.  And praying that He search me and know my heart….Try me and know my anxious thoughts.  And see if there  be any hurtful way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way.